it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
