She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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