bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
