I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
