you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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