I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize