I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
