I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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