The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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