haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
