i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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