i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
