I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
