i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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