I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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