Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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