just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
