Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
