I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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