"it" just moved
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
