Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
