my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
