I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
