my mouth tastes like poor choices
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
