Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
