I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
