apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
