On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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