I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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