oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
