Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
