She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
