Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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