shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
