it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
