Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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