The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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