Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
