also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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