I accidentally had phone sex last night
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
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