so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
