so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
