I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
