I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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