I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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