that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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