Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
