im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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