Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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