Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
