just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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