if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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