considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Come on in and take your pants off
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
