i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
