I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
