I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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