I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Randomize
