I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
