There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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